SAY DIE (the opposite of Never Say Die)

SAY DIE DIE

Dead on their Feet

in the box, on the mound

on the field

it was written sometime about MID-MAY

mid one Javy start

cum

wait till August to teach Grandy how to Hit

and

never work Gardner into a Leadoff Man

Time to give Girardi his own Fantasy team

and let him live and die with the stats of the day before

in a delusional dream world parallel to a real 162 game schedule

Let's give the ball to Robertson one more time

just in case he throws one pitch like he did the year before

wake up, pal

he didn't and he won't because he can't

wake up

wake up and go to sleep

go to sleep and forget about last offseason

Nick Johnsom —Ha!

I say HAH!

HAHH! HAH! HAH!!

who

uncannily was injured cleaning out his locker today

and will miss the rest of the offseason

with a pulled pork sandwich

The Year in review

I Say HAH!

2009

Nothing good ever lasts

Losing Damon and Matsui didn't work Hal and Hank

and neither do either of you

BEST THING ABOUT THE OFFSEASON

NO VASQUEZ ON NEXT YEAR'S TEAM

Someone Hold the Door there for Javy

Hey, Nick! Hold the Door For Javy

(Crash. Door Crushes Nick Johnson's Hand)

NICK: OUCH! Whad'Ya Say?

YANKEE FAN BASE: NEVER MIND

PLEASE TUNE IN TO NY RANGERS BLOG:

THERE'S TOR-TERELLA THAN MEETS GOODBYE

(MAYBE)

GOODBYE

FINAL FINAL (FINAL)

A 4 Year old Child Would've pulled Burnett after walking the left handed whomever...

A 6 Year old Child would've had Logan ready to pitch to the left handed whomever...

An 8 year old Child would've had Joba or anyone come out for the top of the 6th...

Good night to this year —whose days had seen much better ones...

Good night to Bob Sheppard and So Long Freddie Sez...

So long Damon and Matsui...

Too bad about Tex —because

I was prepared to start

a Donate 5 Dollars

So Texiera Can Buy a Hit Fund

through Paypal

in the morning

If

sweet if

the

Yanks had won the game

but now all he needs

is a plane ticket

back home

the only really good goodbye

is

So Long Javy Vasquez

your third time around as a Yankee will be

as a piñata in the Hard Rock Cafe

Good Bye

Parting with this year is very sweet sorrow indeed

and

as i've said throughout the year

hello

all the unscored, non-manufactured runs

of 02, 03,04,05,06,07,08 and 10

when a turd the size of bengi molina

can empty out your lockers...

good bye to the magic

welcome back to the norm...

a.j. burnett should get shocked on the mound everytime he throws a ball in the dirt

zapppppppp

ohhhh

he'd learn

like the little dead dog head case he is

zap the whipping boy...

see what they can do about that little ditty in the spring...

So long till then...

go s.f.giants

where

no one's got a name anybody recognizes

other than the heart on their sleeves...

and The Mills Brothers sing Till Then...

HARVEY (air) VASQUEZ

Leave'em both off the roster,

Vasquez & Burnett

Double Trouble

the 6th & 7th worst pitchers

EVER

in all of Yankee History

but

this year

1 & 2

(either)

respectively

Ha!

Put Harvey on the mound

the 6ft 4" invisible rabbit

instead of Javy

Javy (air) Vasquez

the (air) stands for all of it

the ball sees after he throws a pitch

and the batter knocks if far into the stands

Harvey

maybe the umps would start seeing him, too

and manifesting more strikes in their minds

than the actual number Javy (air) throws

Keep'em off the whole post season roster

and send him somewhere last place

comes

easy to all

If this Yankee team scored 146 runs in the top of the 1st

Javy would give up 147 in the bottom

and

yes

Javy —3 run homer, Yes

Yanks down 7-0

then

The Yankees score 3

but not enough

keep'em off the roster

Him and Burnett

let the two-fisted pitcher lefty/righty from the minors

take both their places

and

Play Post season Ball

Baby

Play Post Season Ball

FROM CHAMPS TO CHUMPS IN 10 SHORT MONTHS

KIDS

This Ain't 09 No More

It's over...

it was over the offseason...

talk Granderson all you want

he's fine in the 7 hole

no catalyst, though

the hurt locker —Nick Johnson

Hah

yeah

we'd like to rotate the DH

yeah

rotate the DL (more like)

and

the shitsickle of a pitcher that

Javier Vasquez IS

2 walks sandwiched between 3 —COUNT'em THREE

Hit batsmen in a row

IN A ROW

the records will keep on being broken by Javy

in the other teams favor

as long as he pitches for the Yankees

or should I say hits for the Yankees

Hits

the opposing team's players three times in a Row!

With the bases LOADED!

WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

and the other team was so elated

they retaliated by letting one of our guys get a hit

out of the kindness of their hearts

RETALIATION

Cashman

you screwed up a good thing

and

you let Cliff Lee get away

which would've been the move

which (more importantly)

would've given Old Javy his walking papers

so he could walk two batters between hitting 3 others in a row

fucking elsewhere

GOODBYE 09

Hello 0-10

10 unanswered runs tonight (really 9 but it seems so dramatic)

in an abysmal performance

Granderson should've caught that ball (Gardner would've)

and Javier Vasquez should've been body surfing hurricanes in Galveston

for the Astros for Oswalt from the first half of the season on

now Oswalt's with the Phils

and they're playing better ball

Let's see

Leave Javy Out of any equation Joe

and

The Yankees stand a chance

PARADE TOMORROW!!!!!!!

YANKEE FANS

REJOICE!!!!!!!!

Javier Vasquez has been removed from the starting rotation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Parade tomorrow for Javy Vasquez through the Canyon of Zeros...

one car motorcade

Javy and a gypsy cabdriver

Last year,

the move to bat Damon in the 2 spot

paid off with a World Championship

perhaps

this move will be of similar importance

YANKEE FANS

REJOICE!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They're bringing Javy in from the Bullpen...

it's a long fly ball to Because —Why?

I don't know and I Don't Care!

BUM AND BUMMER

FRIDAY NIGHT BLIGHT

Burnett pitches doozie... that's mierda in any language...

followed by 3 & 1/2 by Javy

they pull Javy

The Yankees WIIIINNNNNNNNN...TTTTHHHHHHE YANKEES WIIIIIINNNNNNN...

New Formula

PULL JAVY

The Yankees WIIIINNNNNNNNN...TTTTHHHHHHE YANKEES WIIIIIINNNNNNN...

Burnet & Javy Back to Back...

TTTTTHHHHHEEEEEE YANKEES DDDDDDOOOOOOON'T SSSSSTTTTAAAAND A

CCCCHHHHHANCCCCEE

HELP

WE NEED SOMEBODY

(Burnett pitches) NOO

NOT JUST ANYBODY

(Javy pitches)

HHHHEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPP

A Win is A Win is a win...

Do the Math

Bum and Bummer -Back to Back

SENOR JAVY'S SCORELESS STREAK

JAVIER VASQUEZ BREAKS SCORELESS INNINGS STREAK!!!!

too bad

the streak is for the Yankees not scoring squatoosh when Javy pitches...

this just in:

Vasquez traded for three rookie pitchers who would beat the Yankees in the Playoffs...

wouldn't be bad

Cashman's best move of the year...

missed tonight's game until the ninth

but

in essence

missed nothing

SOS

Javy pitches well enough to keep getting handed the ball

if Dave Eiland were truly a genius

he'd soak the warm-up balls in the bullpen for Javy's next start

with triple poison sumac which takes three months to heal

and shake his head

Now how the hell did this happen

Jav

guess you just got bad luck

maybe next year, pal

for some other team

preferably one we play 19 times and meet in the playoffs

so there'd be a chance

The Yanks could turn the streak into their favor...

Javy Vasquez

till 2010 do us part

DOUBLE TROUBLE

were the double bubble toil and trouble witches from hamlet or macbeth??

doesn't matter

with burnett and vasquez back to back

the double trouble's on the New York Yankees

no more vasquez

save him for the damon triple in the detroit playoff series

in the deciding game

cliff lee looms larger than ever as we hit for average

the whole team hits like your average triple a guy

facing the majors for the very first time

hey

they pull javy after one mishap and bad pitch fter another

and

like

pow

the Yankees score

keep dreaming we win this game

pleasant dreams

four games till burnett

BUMMETTE (AS IN A J)

reletively speaking

A>J> BURNETT

is worse than Javy Vasquez

look at him

he gets the lead

and goes in to pitch the 7th

at least Girardi pulled Vasquez when he allowed a baserunner

why leave in Burnett?

something bad is bound to happen

like

the rosin bag

will fall funny

or

a double play

will be blown

on a bad throw

because of a good hustle

and

there he is

Burn out Bummette

having to prove that

he can make or break

any moment

in any game

for any reason

he chooses

he's the old dodge

good pitch/bad pitch

solid 7 innings

mister burnett

the sorriest specimen

of someone

supposedly special

on the mound

in the major leagues

to be treated with kid gloves

god forbid

he forgets how to pitch again

A Rod ties the game

pull this bum

or

lose the lead

good pitch/bad pitch

mister dud

WALK LIKE A MAN

JAVY

JAVY

retires nine in a row

so

why can't Javy do it

when

the Yanks give him the lead

why

because Vasquez belongs with a losing team

and that's stronger than any Yankee Legacy

now

boom

home run

to a kid from the farms

first jack ever

off

Javy vasquez

the kid's record's tainted

"Off Javy Vasquez?"

teammates ribbing the kid

up and down the bench

hey, kid

the shit you hit don't count

now joey g.

pulls the tross from cashmans neck

cashman

let's let

2009

#27

put 2004 behind us

and bring Javy Vasquez

back to the New York Yankees

WHEEEEEEeEE!!!!!

genius

genius

genius

yes

albert einstein WAS

a genius

cashman was a mook

to even think of Javy Vasquez

ever again in his life

let alone

ever

bring the bum back

in the fold

Joba comes in

the Yanks have a chance

just as long as Vasquez

doesn't look at the mound

as the rest of us look at

What Is...

A.J. BURNOUT TOO

I'm gonna be consistent from now on

for the rest of my Yankee career

no more enigma(s)

I got it all figured out

How to be consistent

I am gonna give up 8 runs every start from now on

no matter what

hey

lookie there

ole' A'J's consitent

he gives up 8 runs every start

and let me tell you dudes

Every start

when I reach 8 runs allowed on the scoreboard

I'm gonna have them pull me from the game

No matter what

so don't tell me no more

that I can't be consistent

cause I'll make it 10 runs

if you rub me the wrong way

Every little thing effects every pitch

inside my head

it's like

Bohemian Rhapsody

(the really mixed-up part)

I'd like to see anybody else do any better

or be more consistent

with the mixed=up part of Bohemian Rhapsody

playing in their brain

ouch...

BURNOUT, A.J. (And Joe)

Yeah, Joe G.

Let's bring in all the new guys

for the biggest game of the year

with our ace on the mound

and

let's put all our eggs

in A.J. Basketcase

equals

tied with Tampa Bay

time to bring in the BP dudes to figure out how to stop

Burnout's brain from leaking out

all over the clubhouse

My mechanics, My mechanics

his mechanics should be Charles Bronson

and Jan Micheal Vincent

as hit men in the 1973 movie

which was almost as sorry in it's own field

as Burnout is on his

give him a 2-0 lead

poof

Javy & Burnout

Tampa Bay's out there scrapping out runs...

Yankee's gonna feel like dead Sux 2 years ago

in 7 games or less

because

they ain't scrapping out anything

although they should scrap the rest

of

Burnout and Javy's

Yankee Careers

so far

the best move of the year

is dumping Chan Ho (out of the) Park

after one of the worst moves being

bringing him aboard in the first place

and this Granderson bit is not much better

oh, he's trying... he's trying

no argument there ...

NO THANKS TO JAVY

WE get the lead 1-0

Goodbye lead 2-1

More Goodbye 3-1

Tie the Game! 3-3

Goodbye Lead 4-3

Goodbye lead Forever

Unless

Great

They Pull Javy

Said it before he game

and now again

no way we win this game with Javy on the mound

tied up the game with a clutch home run

gave up the lead right away

what happened to cashman in the cliff lee trade

javy might've been somewhere else

he will never have one favorably memeorable Yankee moment

and that's it

finis

game over

JAVY—JAVY EVERYWHERE...AND NOT A DROP TO DRINK

6 Hits... 6 Hits

that's all

I gave up

7 innings

losing the game

when I got yanked

the only thing the lineup hits during my starts is

the clubhouse latrine between innings —Mierda

what do i gotta do?

maybe

stop giving up homers early in the game

Javy over and secure for the moment

just as long as Pettitte stays on the DL

HOME IS WHERE THE JAVY AIN'T

Home is where the homers are for the opposition when Javy starts a game.

Home... Home... Run... Run...

Home is not where Javy's heart is...

well, i guess

Home, Away

what the diff

Javy pitches gem until

ball flies out of park

bye, bye Javy

6 nothing lead

now 6 - 5

bye, bye Javy

lucky joe g. pulled him or

some fans can't count that high

now Javy's in line for the win

still

after the 7th

and bases loaded —angels

only angels have wings

they ordered them from wings r'us in grandstand section 3

hey hey hey

an insurance run from juan miranda

good looking kid

colin curtis... gotta love him

ok

joey g. would put Javy back into the game

just to make it a sporting game

but

that would be against the rules of the game

so

10-5 it is

and may the final score forever stay

Javy is the winner

what a month of july

boy

has he really turned his season around or what?

BAD JAVIER DAY

EVERY day's a bad Javier day —why

Poor old Javy would be the only pitcher

to lose a perfect game

just As long

as he was pitching

for the New York Yankees

Even Jay Z couldn't make a Yankee Cap

more famous than a Yankee named Javy can

—A Yankee cap full of Mierda

No Cliff Lee; Javy's here to stay

Javy could throw 81 straight strikes

but still lose

cause six of his strikes

done been hit for home runs

one bad throw

and poor Javy goes on the defensive

and Poor Girardi feels Poor Javy needs

a chance to make amends

instead of letting Marte

get out the lefties

let the guy throw 81 strikes every game

for the rest of the season

let him do it for another team

bring up the kid with 2 gloves

who throws from both sides

Here's an idea for Joey G.

take Javy to the all star game

and let him hit in the home run contest

hell

he's seen enough of his own damn pitches

go out of the park

he's seen enough batters take that sweet swing

off of one of his fat pitches

and hit the ball out of the park

cause

that's the only way

his name and the Yankees

will ever be connected

at the top of the heap

BYE BYE JAVY (FOREVER) —(this time)

CLIFF LEE's coming... Pack your bags, JAV

CLIFF LEE'S coming... Pack your bags, JAV

Pack

You better–better pack pack your bags

CLIFF LEE'S coming —better walk, Jav

cause you never ever did your part

BYE BYE, JAVY

fingers crossed

don't step on the basepath line

pass go

and collect 200 "Suck"s

BYE BYE JAV

BYE BYE JAVY'S MESS

HELLO CLIFF LEE'S BEST

I think I'm gonna sigh

BYE BYE JAVY BYE BYE

cashman must make up for the lack of offseason success now

brian baby

pull the trigger

Javier Vasquez for a Carls Cheesesteak from section whatever

Do it, baby

DO IT!

IN JAVY, WE DON"T TRUST

The "we" is my teammates

and who the hell can blame them?

we take the lead in the top of the second

and I let the leadoff runner on in 3 of the next four innings

but

hey

in A perfect world

Javy wouldn't be with the Yankees

now would he?

made some good pitches

after I didn't

par for the course in the world of Vasquez

Yo

take the win

Adios Fans

and see you Saturday

after a 7 and 7

(that's my current record, not an alcoholic beverage)

They call me "Home Run Javy". . .

. . . until the playoffs. Then, they call me "Grand Slam Javy."

Here it is in the 2nd inning, and I just dealt a gift to some bum with a "B" on Seattle. That pitch was as big as the Big Apple itself. I guess I was pissed off, 'cause next batter up, I hit. I can't believe I'm hitting subnormal hitters on the 2nd or 3rd worst team in the American League. May be time for me to visit AJ Burnett's grandpa in Arkansas.

Even "Mister .220" Milton Bradley makes it to first safe on a grounder. As my mentor (who--oddly--chooses to remain anonymous) used to say, "The longer the season . . . the longer the season." Especially to you Yankee fans. "The longer the season . . . the longer the season."

As a positive approach, I've taken to watching all video in games where I had a lead! Which is usually only the first inning of any game, possibly only the first batter. But whether it's the first inning or the first batter, maybe it'll wear off, and I'll get used to having a lead.

One last item:

I decided that two days before every start, I will not take a shower, so at least I have an excuse to stink. Anybody says "You stink"--they're right!

That's it for now from Home Run Javy. As I'll be called soon by my teamies. That is, at least, until the playoffs, if we make them, where my name will change. Please don't let me load the bases!

Echolalic JAVY

From now on, I'm gonna watch a video of Koufax or Gibson instead that bum on the mound Dontrelle Willis —because I caught whatever he has

cause I couldn't find the plate

so I texted Pedroia and he said That's because You're not in Boston, Javy

and I texted back No, not the Boston Club, Dude... Home plate...

News Update

Joey G. wakes up and realizes 1998-2000 dynasty manufactured runs with a leadoff hitter named Knoblach and the rest was history, so... Brett Gardner will be the Yankees new leadoff hitter...

A.J.Burnout update (from Arkansas)

Yeah, I had to hightail it back here and work on my mechanics... They been sitting around, doing nothing —so i had to light a fire under their asses and have'em get back to work on my Chevelle... Be back in LA to lose another... Maybe I can be the pitcher that lets Manny break Gherig's Grand Slam Record... add me to more Yankee lore... like, giving up 3 home runs in the first inning after 2 outs...

Javy back, fans... Hey, no fair... stop booing... I can't see the signs... or the writing on the wall...

well, we're only down 2 to 1... the night is young...

TRADE IN AMERICA

OK, Fans —so what do you think? Will I make my start tomorrow, or will I be starting for

the Astros?

See... The Yankees get Cliff Lee from Seattle for whatever these minor league dude's names

are

and

then trade me to Houston for Berkman

so

they got a DH (not Nick Johnson —whose DH stands for Dude Hurt)

So maybe Javy be taking a space shuttle to Houston

and

I'll have to morph this blog into

A.J. Burnout (instead of Burnett)

whose mechanics haven't been so great

they messed up the 357 in his '69 chevelle

Dude Hurt...

LIKE TO THANK MY TEAMMATES

JAVY one lucky dog today, Yankee Fans... Lucky, Lucky, Lucky...

Man, I'm the only cat in the history of the world who could lose a no-hitter for the Yankees...

I guess being unique at something is something —but

Dude, I'd rather not be that big a one of a kind schmuck, you know what I mean...

One pitch...one lousy pitch... first hit of the goddamned game... inning 7... mierda... Why?

Why me? I'm getting a bit down on my ability to pitch in a big situation... well, at least to pitch good, you know... to make good pitches in a big situation... I've got my doubts, just like a lot of you out there, right?... I mean, why do I buckle under pressure... why can't I stand tall when the going gets tough and get going... I'm going to be going to a national league team —Hey!

My next start could be against my next team —The Astros! Maybe the Yankees'll trade me

while I'm on the mound... Then I might be the only one that that has ever happened to...

so i'll continue my uniquedom and my run of the milldom when a big out is needed...

consistency's the Key....

BEER TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

Javy deserves about 17 cervesas today, don't you think — I mean... my first actual non-walk off

win at home this season and not one boo (well, one boo) —my neighbor in New Jersey —or is it New York State, I not really sure... it gets all confusing out there... it might even be Pennsylvania - i don't really know... I'll have to ask my accountant who to make out the tax check to...anyhow, my neighbor booed because my cocker spaniel Whitson finally became unconstipated and went on his lawn yesterday morning, but I was able to turn off his bad vibes and win, baby — win and I came to the park feeling good in the first place because Whitson cleared his bowels... so it was a stellar day in the world of Javy, let me tell you... I know, it was tentative there for a while, like... i give up only two hits and one of them is a home run and the score is tied 1-1, and if not for my compadre

Tejada (another who went back to the same team he never won with either) and that dumb throwing error — who knows... I might've still needed a walk off to win at the stadium, but such was not the case so it's on to next... Moving Forward...where, I don't know? New York? New jersey? Pennsylvania? I'll let you know next April from Houston...

CLEAN-UP PITCHER

It ain't me, Babe... no, no, no... i never liked sweeping when I was a kid

and I think when I thought about a sweep

before the game tonight

the bane of my youth (sweeping)

is what i was left with

and in the 5th inning

I left some fat pitches over the plate

and mierda for the bullpen

to keep from sweeping...

No Sweep!

oswalt

here i come

i always wanted to visit nasa

i could wear one of those little medals with the insignia on it

if i were pitching for the astros

and

they are a last place team

so no weight on my back

and at nasa

weightlessness

let's see what happens when joey g. skips my next start

EVEN JAVY KNOWS

Hey! I start pitching good and the whole team falls apart... Go figure?

One thing that ain't so hard to figure is

since last they switched derek jeter to the leadoff spot

to bat johhny damon second

and it worked because of damon

but now damon's gone

and jeter ain't no leadoff hitter

he's the finest number 2

so if they cannot leadoff gardner soon

with or without me

hand the season down to luck

what a bad week except me

and before this week

it was

what a great season except me

mister 28 better get on the ball

If IT Weren't FOR (you know What)

Javy'd have no luck at all...

holding the line with my team ahead

2-nothing

instead of the other darn way around

and this bullflop happens

my hand gets clipped bunting a runner over

a bunting we will go

a bunting we will go

well like thy say

bullflop happens

but why does it happen to javy in ny

i thought it was the concrete jungle streets where dreams are made of

and there's nothing i can't do as long as it includes screwing up

i'm going to a hypnotist tomorrow

and have them put me under the spell

and say to me

you play for a national league team

you play for a national league team

over and over

until i believe this

and then my finger will get squashed again

or face damon with the (you know whats)

see you on the DL

JAVY

Heeeeerrrrre's JAVY!

This should be the new National (League) Anthem. My Javy, Tis of Thee. I guess I must like to swing the bat, too.

Why would that idiot Cashman bring me back to the American League? Why?

Lucky for me, I don't know the answer.

Why would that fool Cashman bring the Hurt Locker Nick Johnson back? (you know,

it's unreal, but his locker's on injured reserve, too)

Maybe the little person in my locker will move into Nick's locker while it's in rehab.

OK... I'm wanted back on the field, now... Gotta a job to do...bad decision or not...

JAVY METTLE

It's Javy time, people... fan and foes alike... my mother still loves me, so.... that's one at least i'm sure of... my wife i'm not so sure of though... even she's been leaving roy oswalt posters in her wake around the house... i mean, i open up the fridge and there's oswalt on the rack instead of my protein shakes... makes me kind of wonder, but there's no time for doubt now, now... i've got a national league lineup to peddle my wares to... look out mets... ok... i'm about to take the mound...hell, even i think they should switch jeter and gardner in the lineup... poor gardner...

he's done it all, but they're giving him the shaft again... jeter's one of the class number two hitters in the history of the game, i mean — as much so That his number is 2, duh... all right, here i go...

pray for me... let's see what i got besides a sock full of mierda so far...

WIN BY DeFAULT!

Yeah, Fans...

I just won by default...

default of Papelbon .

Crappybum —we call him in the Vasquez household...

maybe, like many of us entering this new decade, I've been reinvented!

Maybe I'll get all my wins by walkoff this year.

I sure as mierda ain't getting any from starting games, Right?

well, we're pretty happy in the clubhouse.

Right now, I don't even care about the little guy in my locker that I can't get out. Let him stay

there all season —I'm the winner!

jeez, how things get turned around —I mean... I would've started this game and gotten the loss if

Joey G. hadn't skipped my start, Right?

from loser to winner in 2 felled swoops.

I'll take it. Don't trade me. Some of the guys are starting to leave Oswalt posters

hanging in the shower everytime I go in...

Here I am... Reinvented... All my wins by Walkoff...

Something to strive for.

Adios!

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY V (top of the eighth)

my very best performance, and I can't get a break... complete game loss? I mean, how the hell do you think that looks on my baseball card, huh? Mierda, that how it looks... like mierda... up to the team now, top of the order... Damn, the greatest play in history... Jeter's out... now 2 out... ahhh,

I think I'm gonna quit while I'm behind —you know... forget about this ahead crap, right?

why quit when you're ahead? the right time to quit is when you're behind? of course, this year

I've had a lot of opportunities to quit while I'm behind... and this time I'm gonna do just that...

You just watch me, Folks...

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY IV (top of the seventh)

don't know if I'm gonna make the 7th inning —so... I'm texting between pitches and I just gave up

the lead... Maybe the Yankees should've kept Austin Jackson... Good Hitter, Of course —my pitching isn't anything to really judge by... Jeez... after those walks last inning, I'm surprised

Girardi left me in here... and UH OH —Great... A Monster shot but Foul...whew... who hit that?

who is that fellow at the plate? Hey Pal turn around so I can see your number —ahhh... base hit

—losing 2 to 0... don't need ex-lax... let me tell you... every game down 2-0 like clockwork...

ahhhh... the pitcher's friend... a double play... now it's up to our bats... well, I guess I can keep writing since it's now the top of the seventh and I haven't been removed (yet)... oh, well...

i'm a little bit tired —so... if you see me for the top of the eighth, maybe we scored... maybe you're in the shower with me... we'll see... time'll praytell...

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY III (top of the sixth)

Back again, Boys and Girls... and Boy oh girl, am I one lucky SOB... that means Son of Belinda, my mother's name... when I was a kid, and the kids found out my mother

's name was Belinda —they's call me SOB, SOB —and it wasn't really that bad, come to think of it... Jeez, I wish A-Rod would hit one out of the park and let me find out what it's like to work with a lead for once —no luck... he's out at first...Cano —2 down... C'mon, guys... let's wake up the bats now... Who the hell's this Porcello, anyhow?... I'm gonna stop him on the way to the mound

and ask him... Catch you in the 7th...

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY II (top of the fifth)

I'm pitching the game of my second term of Yankee life... mierda... Damon (my old achilles heel)

just took a homer —and the lead away from us... well... i can't remember if i'm pitching a no-hitter

or a perfect game for that matter... 2 out... maybe I should tell A-Rod to stay off the mound...

oh well —out 3... here I go... back to the mound... maybe I'll hold that Tigers ah-ha-ha... see you

for the 6th —Hasta...

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY I (first half inning)

OK... First pitch... Strike One —Yes! ... Wait! It's the other guy that's pitching! It's only the top of the first... We're up... Actually, Nobody's up... The tarp is out. The field is covered. Thank the good

lord, My start has been postponed (again). A guy could get used to this. Especially a guy who can't pitch worth a paper batting cage. Maybe good for the toilet. I'm waiting to be traded for one of Ernie Hartwell's grandkids —hey... he was traded for a catcher (so they tell me). I'm glad we're

on the road. I couldn't find my curveball at the Stadium. Especially the one I threw to Konerko...

looked everywhere for that ball... Well... one of the grounds crew said he'd save it for me if he found it... Nice guy... Told me —Spring Training's just around the corner. I'll be back here tomorrow, just as soon as I find out which game I'll be pitching in the double header for

b'tween innings w/javy...

hasta mañana...

Wake Up and Smell the Mierda

Javy Here, Fan and Foe — alike.

What a Night!

I take the mound at Fenway —Boom... Leadoff batter is (of all people) Carl Yaztrzemski... I strike him out on 2 pitches... the
third pitch, he hits for a double off the monster (would've been a single if Thames had been in left field, instead of sitting on the bench but it really doesn't matter where any of my guys are placed whenever I am pitching).
So —one on, no out... Pedroia at the Plate.. The Plate is this cool nightclub not far from our hotel... i love hanging out with Pedroia at The Plate... he knows everyone there... knows just what to order... last time we hung out together at The Plate, he told me to order a one way plane ticket to all National League Cities —just to be prepared... so, Pedroia's at the Plate; one on, no out... First pitch —ball... (hmm) A Ball hit out of the park... BAU... you ask, what the hell is BAU —well... I just made it up: Business as Usual, that's What, Folks...My teams down early 2 to Zip—Ok... Time to buckle down (in first class to that national league town)... Next Batter—David Ortiz... Him —even I can get out, and I do —while he's spitting on his hands... hell, he's the only bum that's a bigger bum than me right now... one out, none on; we're down 2 -0 (we didn't score in the first ‚
but, A-Rod did at The Plate last night)... And Now ... stepping up to the plate —WTF... over the PA, they announce... It's Ted Williams' Head... Only his head... Wow, Dude...
This's pretty far out... Ted Williams' Head... I thought they were just ribbing, but... here it comes... up to the plate... without a bat... just a head... Mister Girardi, our manager... comes out to argue that whatever comes up to the plate must use a bat —but
Nooooo... Francona shows an old rule which states: A Bat must have a Head —but, A Head need not a Bat —So... Here goes...
I pitch to Williams' Head... There seems to be a frost rising from his hovering head... Jeter yells out that it still must be somewhat frozen... Strike one... Next pitch —Strike two... Another —Strike three... Dude... what a relief... how could I ever show my face around tthe league again if I gave up a hit to a head? — But, Damn! Francona comes out with a rulebook which states: A Head without A Bat shall be Awarded 4 Strikes —OK... I pitch — Damn Damn! ... The ball hits the head and the head
takes off like shot out of a cannon, majestically, and I shut my eyes and hear a bell that keeps on ringing and wake up in our hotel right down the street from The Plate with a hangover that even my daddy couldn't shake and damn if all of this wasn't a dream, cause they skipped my next start, so I'll bide my time until Monday, when I'll face that damned Damon again and they'll see... they'll all look and they'll all see...and they'll know —that... I wouldn't even shag a fly (ball)... (four)... (fore)...
Look Out...

He IS Javy, Not My Brother

They told me today —they're skipping my start in the rotation —Friday, in Boston... hmmm...

granted, I stink like some week-old mierda —But... I haven't been given a fair shake like my

dad used to shake me, and His father before him... I'll have you know that I come from a long line of whipping boys... anyhow, what to do with my day off Thursday up in beantown —Hey, I know! I'm going to visit Martha's Vineyard. I want to see the new Windmills they have built into the sea... just off the Kennedy Compound. I read somewhere that the one that died last year fought very hard to stop them from building these Windmills and blocking his view... well, every once in a while, life throws you a curveball... I only wish I hadn't throw that one to Konerko last Saturday... OK... I'm going to go visit the windmills, wow —if the Kennedy's were still alive, I might've been able to, like —take target practice with them and shoot at the Windmills —Hell...

It would be nice to see if even a bullet from a gun would go where I intended it to go... ahhh, I really don't have any clue...What's wrong... What to do? Wait! I have lots of money... What if... hmmm... better keep it quiet... What if (shhhhh) I pay off all the umpires in the league... pay'em big money to call any close pitch that isn't hit out of the park a strike... maybe —then, I could have just a wee bit of confidence that I would be able to get through one inning without putting my team in an early hole... nahhhhhh... Disabled List is the only place to go, and before I'm to make my next start at Yankee Stadium... Well... I get two hard bullpen sessions before my next start in Detroit... Maybe I can hit myself with a pitch in the ankle... I'd have to aim for my groin —yeah... then maybe I could hit my ankle —OK...first bullpen session... hit self in ankle with pitch... ankle swells... miss one month... then go from there...

I can't get anybody out... Not even this strange litle kid who's been in my locker since I got here —Why, I mean... I can't even get this strange kid out of my locker... That's how bad it is...Well... If worse comes to worse, I'll see if Granderson can ttrade me his groin pull for a Hamstring to be named later... Later... Over & Out.