Thursday, May 27, 2010

CLEAN-UP PITCHER

It ain't me, Babe... no, no, no... i never liked sweeping when I was a kid
and I think when I thought about a sweep
before the game tonight
the bane of my youth (sweeping)
is what i was left with
and in the 5th inning
I left some fat pitches over the plate
and mierda for the bullpen
to keep from sweeping...
No Sweep!

oswalt
here i come
i always wanted to visit nasa
i could wear one of those little medals with the insignia on it
if i were pitching for the astros
and
they are a last place team
so no weight on my back
and at nasa
weightlessness

let's see what happens when joey g. skips my next start

Sunday, May 23, 2010

EVEN JAVY KNOWS

Hey! I start pitching good and the whole team falls apart... Go figure?

One thing that ain't so hard to figure is
since last they switched derek jeter to the leadoff spot
to bat johhny damon second
and it worked because of damon
but now damon's gone
and jeter ain't no leadoff hitter
he's the finest number 2
so if they cannot leadoff gardner soon
with or without me
hand the season down to luck
what a bad week except me
and before this week
it was
what a great season except me

mister 28 better get on the ball

Friday, May 21, 2010

If IT Weren't FOR (you know What)


Javy'd have no luck at all...
holding the line with my team ahead
2-nothing
instead of the other darn way around
and this bullflop happens
my hand gets clipped bunting a runner over

a bunting we will go
a bunting we will go

well like thy say
bullflop happens
but why does it happen to javy in ny
i thought it was the concrete jungle streets where dreams are made of
and there's nothing i can't do as long as it includes screwing up
i'm going to a hypnotist tomorrow
and have them put me under the spell
and say to me
you play for a national league team
you play for a national league team
over and over
until i believe this
and then my finger will get squashed again
or face damon with the (you know whats)

see you on the DL
JAVY

Heeeeerrrrre's JAVY!


This should be the new National (League) Anthem. My Javy, Tis of Thee. I guess I must like to swing the bat, too.

Why would that idiot Cashman bring me back to the American League? Why?

Lucky for me, I don't know the answer.

Why would that fool Cashman bring the Hurt Locker Nick Johnson back? (you know,
it's unreal, but his locker's on injured reserve, too)

Maybe the little person in my locker will move into Nick's locker while it's in rehab.

OK... I'm wanted back on the field, now... Gotta a job to do...bad decision or not...

JAVY METTLE

It's Javy time, people... fan and foes alike... my mother still loves me, so.... that's one at least i'm sure of... my wife i'm not so sure of though... even she's been leaving roy oswalt posters in her wake around the house... i mean, i open up the fridge and there's oswalt on the rack instead of my protein shakes... makes me kind of wonder, but there's no time for doubt now, now... i've got a national league lineup to peddle my wares to... look out mets... ok... i'm about to take the mound...hell, even i think they should switch jeter and gardner in the lineup... poor gardner...
he's done it all, but they're giving him the shaft again... jeter's one of the class number two hitters in the history of the game, i mean — as much so That his number is 2, duh... all right, here i go...
pray for me... let's see what i got besides a sock full of mierda so far...

Monday, May 17, 2010

WIN BY DeFAULT!

Yeah, Fans...
I just won by default...
default of Papelbon .
Crappybum —we call him in the Vasquez household...
maybe, like many of us entering this new decade, I've been reinvented!
Maybe I'll get all my wins by walkoff this year.
I sure as mierda ain't getting any from starting games, Right?
well, we're pretty happy in the clubhouse.
Right now, I don't even care about the little guy in my locker that I can't get out. Let him stay
there all season —I'm the winner!
jeez, how things get turned around —I mean... I would've started this game and gotten the loss if
Joey G. hadn't skipped my start, Right?
from loser to winner in 2 felled swoops.
I'll take it. Don't trade me. Some of the guys are starting to leave Oswalt posters
hanging in the shower everytime I go in...
Here I am... Reinvented... All my wins by Walkoff...
Something to strive for.
Adios!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY V (top of the eighth)

my very best performance, and I can't get a break... complete game loss? I mean, how the hell do you think that looks on my baseball card, huh? Mierda, that how it looks... like mierda... up to the team now, top of the order... Damn, the greatest play in history... Jeter's out... now 2 out... ahhh,
I think I'm gonna quit while I'm behind —you know... forget about this ahead crap, right?
why quit when you're ahead? the right time to quit is when you're behind? of course, this year
I've had a lot of opportunities to quit while I'm behind... and this time I'm gonna do just that...
You just watch me, Folks...

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY IV (top of the seventh)

don't know if I'm gonna make the 7th inning —so... I'm texting between pitches and I just gave up
the lead... Maybe the Yankees should've kept Austin Jackson... Good Hitter, Of course —my pitching isn't anything to really judge by... Jeez... after those walks last inning, I'm surprised
Girardi left me in here... and UH OH —Great... A Monster shot but Foul...whew... who hit that?
who is that fellow at the plate? Hey Pal turn around so I can see your number —ahhh... base hit
—losing 2 to 0... don't need ex-lax... let me tell you... every game down 2-0 like clockwork...
ahhhh... the pitcher's friend... a double play... now it's up to our bats... well, I guess I can keep writing since it's now the top of the seventh and I haven't been removed (yet)... oh, well...
i'm a little bit tired —so... if you see me for the top of the eighth, maybe we scored... maybe you're in the shower with me... we'll see... time'll praytell...

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY III (top of the sixth)

Back again, Boys and Girls... and Boy oh girl, am I one lucky SOB... that means Son of Belinda, my mother's name... when I was a kid, and the kids found out my mother
's name was Belinda —they's call me SOB, SOB —and it wasn't really that bad, come to think of it... Jeez, I wish A-Rod would hit one out of the park and let me find out what it's like to work with a lead for once —no luck... he's out at first...Cano —2 down... C'mon, guys... let's wake up the bats now... Who the hell's this Porcello, anyhow?... I'm gonna stop him on the way to the mound
and ask him... Catch you in the 7th...

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY II (top of the fifth)

I'm pitching the game of my second term of Yankee life... mierda... Damon (my old achilles heel)
just took a homer —and the lead away from us... well... i can't remember if i'm pitching a no-hitter
or a perfect game for that matter... 2 out... maybe I should tell A-Rod to stay off the mound...
oh well —out 3... here I go... back to the mound... maybe I'll hold that Tigers ah-ha-ha... see you
for the 6th —Hasta...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

B'TWEEN INNINGS W/JAVY I (first half inning)

OK... First pitch... Strike One —Yes! ... Wait! It's the other guy that's pitching! It's only the top of the first... We're up... Actually, Nobody's up... The tarp is out. The field is covered. Thank the good
lord, My start has been postponed (again). A guy could get used to this. Especially a guy who can't pitch worth a paper batting cage. Maybe good for the toilet. I'm waiting to be traded for one of Ernie Hartwell's grandkids —hey... he was traded for a catcher (so they tell me). I'm glad we're
on the road. I couldn't find my curveball at the Stadium. Especially the one I threw to Konerko...
looked everywhere for that ball... Well... one of the grounds crew said he'd save it for me if he found it... Nice guy... Told me —Spring Training's just around the corner. I'll be back here tomorrow, just as soon as I find out which game I'll be pitching in the double header for
b'tween innings w/javy...
hasta maƱana...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wake Up and Smell the Mierda



Javy Here, Fan and Foe — alike.

What a Night!

I take the mound at Fenway —Boom... Leadoff batter is (of all people) Carl Yaztrzemski... I strike him out on 2 pitches... the
third pitch, he hits for a double off the monster (would've been a single if Thames had been in left field, instead of sitting on the bench but it really doesn't matter where any of my guys are placed whenever I am pitching).
So —one on, no out... Pedroia at the Plate.. The Plate is this cool nightclub not far from our hotel... i love hanging out with Pedroia at The Plate... he knows everyone there... knows just what to order... last time we hung out together at The Plate, he told me to order a one way plane ticket to all National League Cities —just to be prepared... so, Pedroia's at the Plate; one on, no out... First pitch —ball... (hmm) A Ball hit out of the park... BAU... you ask, what the hell is BAU —well... I just made it up: Business as Usual, that's What, Folks...My teams down early 2 to Zip—Ok... Time to buckle down (in first class to that national league town)... Next Batter—David Ortiz... Him —even I can get out, and I do —while he's spitting on his hands... hell, he's the only bum that's a bigger bum than me right now... one out, none on; we're down 2 -0 (we didn't score in the first ‚
but, A-Rod did at The Plate last night)... And Now ... stepping up to the plate —WTF... over the PA, they announce... It's Ted Williams' Head... Only his head... Wow, Dude...
This's pretty far out... Ted Williams' Head... I thought they were just ribbing, but... here it comes... up to the plate... without a bat... just a head... Mister Girardi, our manager... comes out to argue that whatever comes up to the plate must use a bat —but
Nooooo... Francona shows an old rule which states: A Bat must have a Head —but, A Head need not a Bat —So... Here goes...
I pitch to Williams' Head... There seems to be a frost rising from his hovering head... Jeter yells out that it still must be somewhat frozen... Strike one... Next pitch —Strike two... Another —Strike three... Dude... what a relief... how could I ever show my face around tthe league again if I gave up a hit to a head? — But, Damn! Francona comes out with a rulebook which states: A Head without A Bat shall be Awarded 4 Strikes —OK... I pitch — Damn Damn! ... The ball hits the head and the head
takes off like shot out of a cannon, majestically, and I shut my eyes and hear a bell that keeps on ringing and wake up in our hotel right down the street from The Plate with a hangover that even my daddy couldn't shake and damn if all of this wasn't a dream, cause they skipped my next start, so I'll bide my time until Monday, when I'll face that damned Damon again and they'll see... they'll all look and they'll all see...and they'll know —that... I wouldn't even shag a fly (ball)... (four)... (fore)...
Look Out...

Monday, May 3, 2010

He IS Javy, Not My Brother

They told me today —they're skipping my start in the rotation —Friday, in Boston... hmmm...
granted, I stink like some week-old mierda —But... I haven't been given a fair shake like my
dad used to shake me, and His father before him... I'll have you know that I come from a long line of whipping boys... anyhow, what to do with my day off Thursday up in beantown —Hey, I know! I'm going to visit Martha's Vineyard. I want to see the new Windmills they have built into the sea... just off the Kennedy Compound. I read somewhere that the one that died last year fought very hard to stop them from building these Windmills and blocking his view... well, every once in a while, life throws you a curveball... I only wish I hadn't throw that one to Konerko last Saturday... OK... I'm going to go visit the windmills, wow —if the Kennedy's were still alive, I might've been able to, like —take target practice with them and shoot at the Windmills —Hell...

It would be nice to see if even a bullet from a gun would go where I intended it to go... ahhh, I really don't have any clue...What's wrong... What to do? Wait! I have lots of money... What if... hmmm... better keep it quiet... What if (shhhhh) I pay off all the umpires in the league... pay'em big money to call any close pitch that isn't hit out of the park a strike... maybe —then, I could have just a wee bit of confidence that I would be able to get through one inning without putting my team in an early hole... nahhhhhh... Disabled List is the only place to go, and before I'm to make my next start at Yankee Stadium... Well... I get two hard bullpen sessions before my next start in Detroit... Maybe I can hit myself with a pitch in the ankle... I'd have to aim for my groin —yeah... then maybe I could hit my ankle —OK...first bullpen session... hit self in ankle with pitch... ankle swells... miss one month... then go from there...

I can't get anybody out... Not even this strange litle kid who's been in my locker since I got here —Why, I mean... I can't even get this strange kid out of my locker... That's how bad it is...Well... If worse comes to worse, I'll see if Granderson can ttrade me his groin pull for a Hamstring to be named later... Later... Over & Out.